Remembrance
The Need to Tell My Sister’s Story—15 Years After She Passed
by Leslie Doctor (guest author & FOP Secretary)
“A dream that will need all the love you can give
Ev’ry day of your life for as long as you live.”
Opening the Door Again
I was asked to write about my experience of being interviewed by Fields of Plenty. Though I am Maria’s mother, some years ago I felt the need to write about my sister Andrea’s life, and the days leading up to her death (September 24, 2010 at the age of 56). I would write my memories down, and actually kept a little bit of a journal of the important parts, up to the day she departed. Years later I joined a writing group, and knew that what I wanted to express was Andrea’s story. I had started it, but it remained tucked away for several years. It remained only a dream.
You can have all the good intentions in the world to begin writing a book. All the motivation. But life happens. I’m a gardener by trade, and I got busy tending to other gardens–physically and otherwise. And if I’m honest, it wasn’t easy. It’s not easy to open the door to grief, not to mention the wounds of the past. In my case, with my sister Andrea, it was complicated, and it wasn’t something I had the strength or the interest to rush. I wanted to honor her life, but…it might be fair to say, I needed some time and some distance before I could tell my sister’s story well.
So when Maria told me about their new interview series (Healing Through Grief), and asked me if I had any ideas for others to interview, without telling each other, we both knew it would have to be about my sister Andrea–Maria’s “Aunt A”, as she was called.
Me and My Sister Andrea
I was born on July 29, 1958, the youngest of three children born in Indianapolis to Carol and Gene Redford. With our brother Michael between us, my oldest sibling & longtime roommate was my sister Andrea (born 12/10/53).
The Process of Remembering
The experience of telling my sister’s story was written on my heart, so it came from my heart. I wasn’t entirely sure what I would say before the interview started, but I knew it was time to speak–and let out what had been tucked away for so long.
The tragedy we faced losing our Papa as children. The impact that had on us all. How our childhood nanny MaryAnn came into our lives and brought joy into our home again. How Andrea would gather the children in our neighborhood to “play school” on our front porch. How she loved to play the piano, sang happy birthday, became homecoming queen…
…went to college for criminal justice and social work, got married, got divorced, worked in public schools, taught English in Japan and South Korea, wrote poetry, spent time in Poland at the camps there, and eventually came home to take care of Mom before she passed. When we found out she had cancer. The walks we took. The song now I sang for her (Climb Ev’ry Mountain). The precious time we spent together in the last ten days of her life. And fifteen years later, what my sister means to me.
Healing at the End
Leslie (pictured here as a child) describes what the last ten days with her sister brought for them both: “…somehow we were…transferred back to those moments in our childhood. And all the other things didn’t matter.”
Maria and our son-in-law Asher did a brilliant job of setting up professional equipment, and bringing the right setting and atmosphere for me to tell the story. I was surprised at how many tears I still had, but their kindness, gentleness and patience through the process, helped so much in encouraging me to keep going. I had to stop a few times and compose myself and refocus, but it all fell into place well.
Grateful to Have Told It, What Made It Worthwhile
After the interview was over, it of course seemed very cathartic, but I also felt inner healing of just saying things I felt, out loud. Like a burden was lifted. After telling Andrea’s story, parts of my story, and a message for Andrea herself. It also helped change my perspective of what happened 15 years ago, and I’m grateful to have had the experience.
In this final segment of Leslie’s interview, Leslie shares a message straight from-the-heart for her sister Andrea, as if she could hear now.
Once the video was ready to watch, it wasn’t the easiest thing to get through, but I knew I needed to, and to share it with my immediate family. I also shared the video with my sister’s best girlfriend from when they were babies, and it was very touching to her, and healing I believe. That meant a lot to me and made telling Andrea’s story worthwhile. I hope she will share it with other friends of Andrea’s, and that it will be healing somehow for them too.
Tell the Stories
There have been many stories over the millenia, told out loud, on stone, scrolls of animal skins, papyrus, slate, in books, and in movies. We all are created in God’s image; God creates, so we all create in some fashion, with whatever means at our disposal. Today’s stories are now told much of the time on short or long videos, of all sorts. Whatever the medium, it has always been and will continue to be important for the stories of our loved ones to be told.
Do you have a story that needs to be told? A loved one’s life you feel the need to honor? I encourage all those who need to tell their loved one’s stories, to take the opportunity to share the beauty and the pain of it. It will help you, and will help those who hear it. Thank you, Asher and Maria, for giving me the right setting to do so.